She had fallen in love with him. He said he loved her too. They shared everything together, laughs, tears, memories, everything. It was obvious to everyone how in love they were despite the distance. Everyone had just suspected this to be any typical long distance love experience. Some tears, some hope, and a small scratch on each of their hearts. And if I could have made it that way, I would’ve, but I couldn’t. I can’t. No. This story is much sadder than that. Much more pain.

You see. She had loved him, and he had said he loved her back. But, there is a big difference between feeling something and saying you feel something. They lived on opposite sides of the world, and yet everyday, they’d talk for hours, endlessly. They’d never run out of things to say, or share, or laugh about. She’d stay up every night until 7 sometimes even 9 in the morning to talk to him. Her family and friends laughed at her and disapproved of her love for him, but it never stopped her. Every night, she’d call him and they’d talk about everything and anything they could. They’d talk about their past, the tears they’ve cried, and the fights they’ve lost. But, even more importantly, the love they had for each other, the battles they’ve won, and the obstacles they’ve conquered. It had seemed as though they had opened up, with each other, but really, he never spoke a word of truth.

Every night, she fell more and more in love with him. They would fall asleep on the phone with each other, listening to the other one’s voice tell them bedtime stories they had made up at the top of their heads. She planned to move there as soon as she was old enough to finish school and be with him. Everything seemed so perfect. But then, it all changed. Either, for the best or worst. She still can’t decide. They began to drift off slowly, and they each found someone else closer to them. But, she still talked with him all night, she still loved him. He began to get controlling. Telling her she had to do things for him, for him to believe what she’d say. She was hurt that the boy she had fallen in love with had not trusted her anymore. They had had problems before, but it was never something they couldn’t over come. They were stronger than that. At least she had thought they were.

Soon, he started to throw things in her face. Making fun of her self harming problem, taking his anger out on her. He had told her once, “Go cut ‘slut’ on your wrist again, it’s all you’re good for anyway.” Her heart was slowly being ripped in half, and she was the only one that could stop it, but she was scared she wasn’t strong enough. He began taunting her, with the intent to make her cry. He’d take pleasure in her cutting herself, then convince her to send him pictures of the cuts he had made her inflict upon herself. He’d laugh at her pain and misfortune and brag about it with whoever would listen, sometimes even to her. But, she continued to love him. She didn’t know why, but she did.

Finally, he began making fun of her past. Telling her that she had deserved the rapes she’d had happen to her. Saying that all the others that had beat her, used her, and abused her must’ve only been like him, seeing her for her true worthless self. She began to try to commit suicide. Every night that they’d talk on the phone, she’d wait for him to go and she’d slice her wrists to shreds, popped as many pills as she could before her throat tightened too much for her to even have a glass of water, and occasionally trying to hang herself. The boy she had loved and trusted had abused both her and her trust far beyond anything she could’ve imagined. She had to put a stop to it, but she didn’t know how. Until, a friend of theirs, more her than his told her she needed a way to escape from both his and her self abuse. They came up with a plan. They’d say she had killed herself, that she had finally succeeded and let him rot in his own guilt.

He eventually found out, it was a lie and hated her for being in the wrong. He refused to talk to her, and for some reason it hurt. He eventually stopped taking her calls, and ignored any form of communication with her, leaving her heart bruised and tattered, wondering why. Still, to this day she wonders what had went wrong, if it could have ever been different. But, slowly she’s getting better. She’s survived yet another battle, and now she’s seeking help. She doesn’t know what happened to the boy that broke her in two, but a part of her finally doesn’t care. She has just one thing left to say to him, and that is that soon she’ll be completely over him and that because of the pain he put her through she is a stronger person. She doesn’t cut or harm herself in any way, anymore, even though she occasionally has urges to. But, she will make it through, and she doesn’t need him.

It's nearly 4:30 in the morning, && I can't sleep..
I've got too much on my mind.
The loves I've lost.
The pain I've felt.
The chances I never took.
The mistakes I've made.
The friends that have betrayed me.
The lies I've been fed.
The life I've lead.

&& I Couldn't help but wonder..
How many people have stayed awake at night.
Countless nights.
Thinking.
Contemplating.
What could have been??

If you didn't give him your heart.
If you had been better.
If you took that one chance.
If you stopped yourself.
If you were a better friend, yourself.
If you weren't so naive.

Would your life be different??
Would you want it to be??
Would it be better??
Or worse??

What I want anyone that reads this to do is..
Think.
Please comment.
I know I'm not the only one that's felt this way.
I know I'm not alone.
&& I'm writing this so others know they aren't, either.
<333

I've been going through some tough times, recently, && decided to write about the songs that have told a story of my life to many of my close friends, && those that have gotten me through, all of my mistakes && pain in my past.

Missing-Evanescence;
"You won't cry for my absence-I know, You forgot my long ago. Am I that unimportant? Am I that insignificant? Isn't something missing? Isn't someone missing me?"
The lyrics basically speak for themselves.. For the longest of times, I felt as if I wasn't even an important person in any of my loved one's lives, because of alot of my misguided past. I had tried killing myself, too many time to count. But, listening to that song helped me realize, I wasn't the only one feeling that way.

Hero-Mariah Carey;
"And then a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on. && You cast your fears aside, && you know you can survive. So, when you feel like hope is gone, look inside you && be strong. && You'll finally see the truth, that a hero lies in you."
When I was 12, I lived on the streets.. I had ran away from an abusive ex that had forcefully taken my virginity from me.. I used to sing this song to myself every night, before I could get to sleep, to keep myself from killing myself.. These lyrics are the most powerful, for me.. I soon realized, I had to be my own hero && find my family again.. I needed to be strong enough to face Patrick.. && Soon, I had finally gotten over it, && moved on with my life.

Time Of Dying-Three Days Grace;
"I will not die, I'll wait here for you. I feel alive, when you're beside me. I will not die, I'll wait here for you, in my time of dying."
These are the lyrics that the first boy I willingly gave myself to, dedicated to me. He was my first, && he used me for sex. He had broken my heart countless times over, && for the longest time I had cried myself to sleep listening to these lyrics.. Then, a week before my 15th birthday, I had finally realizd that I had to strength to move on, && that I did deserve better. I couldn't keep myself from being happy, for much longer, && I finally ended it, permanetly.

Never Again-Nickelback;
"I hear her scream from down the hall. Been there befor, but not like this. Never before have I ever seen in this bad. She's just a woman. Never again."
These lyrics are easy to understand. My father has been abusive. in the past. But, on my 15th birthday, when he made me cry in disowned me once again, I finally realized that he was being patheticd && it wasn't my fault he constantly hurt me, or my family. I disowned him && threw him out of my house. && Ever since, he's been better to all of us.

Linkin Park-Don't Stay;
"Don't Stay. Forget our memories, forget our possibilities. What you were changing me into, just give me myself back && don't stay. Forget our memories, forget our possibilities. Take all your faithlessness with you. Just give me myself back && don't stay."
I've had too many guys hurt me, over && over again. But, one in particular that had hurt me alot was named Chris. He had always told me to let him know everything about my past, && whatever was bothering me. But, then he would scream at me for putting him in a depression. One time, he told me to carve 'slut" into my wrist again, because it was "My fault" I had been raped that day. I trusted him more than anyone I had, before.. && He threw everything in my face. This song got me through the pain he put me through, && helped me let him go.

Never Too Late-Three Days Grace;
"Even if I say, 'It'll be alright', still I hear you say you want to end your life. Now && again we try to just stay alive. Maybe we'll turn it around, 'cause it's not too late. It's never too late."
One of the most important people I have ever met in my life, to me, dedicated this song to me. He had never given up on me when I was trying to get through alot of my depression. He was always there to listen to me when I needed him to be. He offered me an ear to listen, advice when I needed it, && a shoulder to cry on. Everytime I listen to this song, it reminds me that there is always someone out there that I can count on, to stay by me through the tough times. He helped me grow && learn from all my pain && mistakes && to realize that I'm not alone. I owe my life to him, so many times over.

Kristy, are you doing okay?-The Offspring;
"Can you stay strong? Can you go on? Kristy, are you doing okay? A rose that won't bloom. Winter's kept you. Don't waste your whole life trying to take back what was taken away."
My friend James dedicated this to me when he first found out that I was raped at the age of 12. As soon as I first heard it, I let go of all the times I was raped && let myself realize that I couldn't change it. I learnt it wasn't my fault, && that I couldn't have prevented it. This song means so much to me, && I thank James everyday for helping me through it.

Right To Rape-Clawfinger;
"He wins the game && she gets all the blame. If a woman raped a man, would the verdict be the same?"
My boyfriend showed me this song at the beginning of our relationship. It tells of how when a man rapes a woman, if he says she was being provacative, or if she was too drunk to say 'No', or if she was flirting, she is the one to blame && he gets off. When I was 14, I trusted my friend's older, 20 year old brother to drive me home in the middle of a snow storm. && As soon as the cops asked if I was a virgin, && I said I wasn't, they decided to make me look like a whore instead. When heard this song, I let myself move on from all of the problems I was going through because of this. && From then on, wasn't bothered by the things I was called because of it.

Papercut-Linkin Park;
"It's like I'm paranoid, looking mover my back. It's like a whirlwind inside of my head. It's like I can't stop, what I'm hearing within. It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin."
When I was diagnosed with MPD [[Multiple Personality Disorder]], everytime I heard this song it was like it was telling me that I wasn't alone && that I wasn't the only one going through it. I started seeing a councellor, && now alot of my personalities have been either dealt with, or I have been able to become some sort of a "Friend" with them.

These are just a few of the songs that have gotten me through my life. I'll be writing a second blog on it, when I can write some more. Until then, I hope everyone likes this blog. Enjoy && feel free, to comment. <333